6.12.09

UNTITLED


I just feel crazy right now! I have just watched a movie, which is I think, the best complicated dialogues ever. The movie about a guy named Ira and his wife Abby. I don’t have a good mood to describe the whole story of the movie. Despite the fact that I don’t know the title of the movie, I just feel crazy and feel so bad now. If you want to watch it, look up the movie. The movie keyword if you want to find it is Ira and Abby.

I don’t know, I just feel crazy. I think about my own ‘me’. Somehow, I connect what I watched and got from the movie with myself and my life. The inspiration I got from the movie is about to talk straightly about the things you feel and the things you think about a person or persons to the person or persons.

So now, because I don’t have the courage to say that to persons. I will talk them all here. About my feeling right now.

I am not okay right now. I am not ok since I graduated from senior high.

I am sick.

I am crazy. I don’t have a lot of friends, around me. I meet people just sometimes, and it makes me sick. I think, my life isn’t normal. It is FAR FROM NORMAL PEOPLE. I do really want to have some best friends, but I don’t think I have now in my current life. My current life. I used to have some. They are all in the college while me wasting my time with computers, books, watching television, wasting my time in the damn crowded road riding my motorcycle, voyaging around the dusty city, I HATE MAKASSAR!

And I AM SICK BECAUSE I AM mostly ALONE. I AM SOCIALLY BROKEN PERSON! YES, I AM!

This makes me remind of my NOTE which I wrote some months ago:

An Angst: I’m in nowhere

Have you ever wakened from your sound sleep and you felt so sorry about something you aren’t sure what it is? You felt that something is missing from your life, but you don’t know what it is. Some bad things are likely will happen. Incessant good memories suddenly across in your mind, and so do the bad memories. You apparently exercise about unknown things, but you know they’re so familiar.

That’s what happened today to me. Ok, not really the same, because I didn’t wake up in the morning, I woke at 11 pm. I woke and felt that something is wrong. I look everything around me, I was in my room. Meaningless vicinity. The books, the basket of my crumpled clothes, my studying table, the big wardrobe, the lamp, the floor, the board where I attach many papers, the papers of random things on the walls, then finally I looked myself, ok I look at my feet. Finally, I realized I miss my friends and really miss some of them. The good memories which across in my mind are the reflection of how I really miss the happiness in my past life. And I realize that I don’t meet people quite often for now.

FINISH

I hate my self. Because how can I just spend my 24hours-day by just doing unimportant things. I need to study for university entrance exam next year in MARCH. And now, I feel so stupid. I have many plans, but I never do that. I have a project to study devotedly, I have a project to help some pathetic children I meet in the streets, I have a plan to start obtaining high score in toefl, I have a plan to start my healthy life style. But, I never start to do that. I NEVER REALLY DO THAT! I AM ASKING MY SELF, WHY U DON’T DO THOSE THINGS!

Today should be the day of AFS event. But the event is postponed. And I don’t know why, I always feel CONSCIENLY-stricken!!!! I feel like a horrible persons because the event hasn’t got significant funding. I feel like a sick people because I CANNOT MANAGE MY STUDYING TIME AND DOING AFS EVENT! I hate that.

I HATE MY MESSY HOUS. I HATE MY HABBIT OF HESITATION. I HATE MY MOM TELLING ME THAT WE ARE NOT IN GOOD FINANCIAL SITUATION. I HATE MY HAIR. I Hate regular activities I am doing now (but not all). I just hate it. And want to GET RID OF FROM THIS MADNESSes. I am scared,crazy, and lost.


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